Mundo's Mind

last tonight and today it's hurt real real bad, like i almost want to see a doctor when i feel it because i physically feel a burning sensation in my chest. kinda wierd i guess to know that something or someone can have an effect like that on you. i can't help it i go through memories in my head, old photos and emails and i just can't help understand how we got to here. i mean i can when i stop and look for the particular difficiencies we had, but i guess never in my head did i ever think it wouldn't work out in the end. now i know that i can't say that absolutely but i need to know, and do in fact know that i can't live my life waiting for her eventhough sometimes i want to. if it works than it will, and we'll know it's the best thing ever since slice bread. but for now i can't live like that. i just have to live life and takes whatever as it comes to me. school, work, friends, family, whatever it may be. damn, last night i started going chronologically through our relationship, the up and downs and the highs and lows. the trips, amniversnaries, good times, bad times, funny times, laughing moments, living together, getting the kitties. driving home with them crawling all over us..stuff like that. i mean i know in the end that what we had and shared was a damn great thing. but i also need to know that if it has to come to end than it must. i of all people know the importance of following ones own heart, mind, soul, aspirations whatever. do for you, do what you want to do. if you are able to share in what you want and have someone else than cool, but if not than it can't be forced. things just have to be. you can't coax something or someone into something they are not or something they don't want. i hope in the end we don't become friends that just end up drifting away never to hear from each other again. that would be a sad sad thing in my mind. i just hope i don't scare her off or something like that. i know i can have that effect sometime given my whole do what i want to do. but sometimes what you have to do is more important than what you want. when you these aren't the same, then you have a choice to make. i have to take care of myself and grow and be better and preservere and live for another day. i don't know, it comes and goes like i've said to so many people these past 2 1/2 weeks. she'll be ok and so will you i always say. it's just an end of era so to speak. i can honestly say i wouldn't have wanted to spend the last 5+ years anywhere else than by her side. i remember how it all happened the confusion and unsureness of it all, that all came crashing down when we gave in to incredible feeling that we shared with one another. how everything just felt right. but things change and people grow and sometimes things aren't the way they were. or maybe they were and this was an inevitability of things to come. in the end though all things will be right. you'll end up where you're supposed to be but most importantly where you want, i guess it's just to hard to see that far right now. i still stuck on this lady that left an incredible mark on my life and that i was able to share incredible experiences with. and for that i am truly thankful for, i can't complain really, and i don't think that she can either. i guess i can't speak for her but you know, i figure she feels a lot of same things too. so yeah there you have it, a sort of closing in a chapter of my life. who knows what will happen next. what new characters will come into play and what the old standbys will be doing. if anyone might fade away or surprisingly come back in. i guess in the end the one constant in it all will be me, smack dab in the center of it all. everything else in a sense is a complete mystery, and i guess you can say that's pretty exciting. i haven't felt like that in a while, well, at least about some phases of my life. i think she said it best in that one entry when she said nothing in life is promised except death. everything else is well, who knows...fate or destiny, let's not get into that discussion again...maybe for another time...my heart feels better...right now....i know it won't hurt forever, at least not like this...oh well...all in time