Mundo's Mind

damn....it's been two weeks nearly now walking around without my left arm. i think in some ways its growing out on its own too. i guess thats a good way to look at. anyhow, it feels like this has been one of the longest and drawn out moments in my life, and i guess the funny thing about it is how all of a sudden everything happened. i know it hasn't, everything that has happened has been a direct result of things and events happening over the course of time. the hardest part about it all is not having been able to talk to her and see where she's at. i can't help but wonder what this time is for. i don't know if it's supposed to be a decompression time for our relationship so that we can hopefully become good friends without any strings attached, or maybe it's time for her to have herself to hopefully rediscover why exactly she stood by me all this time. i'm just left to wonder, and probably the best answer to all of it is that nobody really knows and that we'll just have to let things play out and see what happens. my best friend has told me repeatedly to stand by the things i know. i know that i love her and that she loves me, i know that when we're good like most things we're great, we enjoy the simple stuff together, the hugs the silence, the time, wrestling in bed, watching tv on a weekend morning, 24 on mondays and entourage whenever we happen to catch it on demand. i know we have had our problems but when you look at things as a whole i always felt what we had was great, special, and definitely not typical. as needy as a person as i was at times i always felt that we were able to be independently strong as well as strong together. we cheered each other on and pushed each other to become better people. we cared for each other. we fought, we loved, we cried, we shared life. now i don't what to think of times to come but i know that when i thought about being old and cranky i always pictured her in mind, not because it was convinient, or because she was there, but simply because that was what i wanted. i don't think i would have been able to come up with this whole do what you want to do concept if it wasn't for her. i know sometimes i'd take it to far because i would really express that all the time without taking her into account like NY shopping, and dinner at Win's, or the many other times I said what was on my mind without thinking about her. i guess in retrospect if i really thought twice and thought beyond myself it would have been like yeah, doing it for me to think that far would be what i want to do. but you can't replay and change things, the only thing you can do is move forward and i am, i hope she is too. i dont what will happen when and if or lives will cross and how but i just have to keep going. i guess the thing about all of this is that i was able to learn, grow, and just take a step back from things. with her in my life i don't have to think so much and it was easy, maybe too much so. i guess it's hard to imagine that we are no longer because the one constant i thought we always had through everything is that we always wanted to be, and were always willing to fight. to be together, to share, laugh and cry together. i don't know. i guess in the end it's true what they say, about you don't really know what tomorrow will bring....until then...